identity

This post has been a long time coming, because it's something I've been thinking of writing for a long time, but it was only really today that I've been able to get my thoughts together in a way that's somewhat clear and concise.   My identity has been something I've struggled with for a long time, because I've never really been able to find one that fits me neatly.  I tried identifying as a lesbian in high school and college, and although that fit for the most part, I wasn't really comfortable identifying that way because I had too many issues with my body to be comfortable identify as female.  Through college and up until about the past year, I identified as male, and although that fit for the most part too, I realized that there were actually some things I missed about being female, and that issues I had with my body were maybe not as severe as I'd thought.  Since then, I've been working through my body issues and am now more comfortable with myself than I've been in ages, because I've been focusing more on being me than on a specific identity.  Now, I don't really identify as anything other than the generic queer, and for the most part that's okay.

Sometimes, however, I get frustrated not having a concrete and clear cut identity. Yes, I identify as queer, but that's not really a specific identity at all, because that can mean so many things.  I don't really mind, but in a world of specific identities, particularly in the GLBT community, identifying as queer feels isolating.  Spaces for queer-identified people exist online, but most GLBT spaces offline are dominated by people who identify as either gay or lesbian.  This gets even further complicated, too, by the fact that I don't identify with a specific gender, as sometimes I am male, sometimes I am female, and often I am neither or both.  When the room is full of people who identify as either gay or lesbian, I feel like an outsider.

And maybe it's not really as big of a deal as I think it is, but I like fitting in a group and feel that not identifying as anything specific makes that more difficult.  Sometimes I wonder if I ought to just identify as a lesbian, because then I could just be butch or femme depending on my mood and even though I'd be exactly as I am now, it seems like it would make things easier.

I don't know, I guess I'll figure things out eventually.