Wednesday, December 22, 2010

reflections on the past year

I find it hard to believe that the year 2010 is already almost over.  It seems like it was only just January, and then suddenly it was May, then August, then September, and now all of a sudden it's December and nearly January again. How did this happen?

For whatever reason, this past year it's felt like things just kept happening and happening without any chance for me to catch up, and I've learned lots and become a much stronger person, but it's been difficult in many ways.

January through May, it seemed like things were going really well.  I was working instead of being depressed and failing classes, and that helped me a lot because I really needed the discipline of getting up each morning and going to work whether I wanted to or not.  I loved my job and it felt like things were actually going okay for once.

Then May hit, and it's like everything got screwed up and nothing's been going right since.  I know that's not entirely true, since I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago, but since May it's felt like everything I try just goes wrong, to the point where I wonder if I should even bother.  I can only hope that this next year will be different, but it makes me apprehensive towards the idea of trying anything, whether going back to school as a full time student instead of just taking two classes this next semester or attempting to plan a trip to visit friends over spring break.

Granted, there are some things that did work out this past year, sometimes far better than I expected.  I have an awesome job, I'm actually attempting to be social again (which is something I rather gave up on after leaving Baylor), and I know who I am much better than I did at the start of the year.  Overall, I'm a much healthier person than I was, even though I still have some things to work through.  But it seems like I've had to give up a lot for each, and sometimes I wish I hadn't had to, even if it's been worth it in the long run.

This is the only thing I ask for next year: that I have a few chances for things to work out right, for once. That I have something turn out okay without having to sacrifice something else.  It's a selfish wish, but it's difficult when I feel like I'm always fighting everything.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy holiday, however they choose to celebrate, and a happy and blessed new year. 

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